I started to get a little into some of my past relationships in the last post. I think I will try to live through all of my past relationships with women in this post. Let’s see how I do.
I could talk about the several girls I had crushes on in grade school, but none of them are really of any consequence. I can say the first time I was into a girl and did something about it was in 2nd grade. Admittedly, what I did was pass a note with check boxes (are you: 7 8 9, do you like me? yes no, etc.) but it was still a move on a girl. The first girl I had any serious relationship with was probably my sophmore year of high school. Again, there were a few crushes in middle school, but nothing that really mattered.
So, my sophmore year, I had a brief relationship with a freshmen. It mostly included note passing, a few phone calls, and a trip to the Christmas banquet (my private school did not believe in dancing, but we had banquets, so this was essentially homecoming for us). That relationship ended when a good friend of mine and I were playing with his neighbor (a very cute girl) and at one point in playing, I fondled her (not that she minded). Well, my friend found it necessary to tell this girl what happened. That was that.
There was a brief period where I had a pseudo relationship with said neighbor, which mostly involved hanging out at church stuff.
The next real interaction I had with a girl on a romantic level was the kiss on the bus of my senior trip. I have already told you about that.
My freshmen year in college I found my group of friends to hang out with that included several ex-students (should maybe have sent off some kind of warning bells, but not for me at that time) and townies. One of the townies and I started hanging out quite a bit. She gave me the first sexual interaction I had. She gave me oral. She broke up with me after two months because I wouldn’t return the favor. Though she never asked me too, which I found odd.
After that, while still at a small methodist university I found a “make-out” partner. We would basically just kiss a bunch and do some light petting. That never really led anywhere, though there is an interesting asterisk to put here. We became “myspace friends” and began catching up a little last year some time. One thing led to another, both of our curiousities got piqued, and she came down for a visit (she lives a few hours away from me). We got dinner, hung out, went to the zoo, and made out just a little. Haven’t talked to her since. I think we both realized it would never work and we were different people than we were in college.
I am thinking back through my college years, there were 6 of them (but I did get a degree in the end). I know there were girls I was interested in. I probably even went on a few dates. There was one relationship of note. We went out for almost a month.
She was a mutual friend of a close friend’s girlfriend (now wife). We were pretty cool together, I suppose. I think I was interested because she was interested. Always been a problem for me. So, one night, were at her house with only her little sister at home. We get to messing around on the bed, she’s only wearing panties, me, boxers. I have told her at this point that I’m not gonna have sex till I’m married, which she’s cool with. I was interested in other things, which she was not offering and I was too shy to ask for. I eventually “gave in” and told her to go find a condom. She had, at one point at least, several condoms. Nowhere to be found were these condoms. I think God stepped in here and did for me what I could not do for myself. So, maybe a week or less after that, I knew this wasn’t going to last. I’ll tell you my logic, then tell you what happened. I knew we were never going to get married, we just weren’t the right fit. I figured, why prolong this when its only going to make it tougher down the road? Seems logical, at least to me. So, I took her out one night. We ended up at the place we would park and make out. That is when I said something close to, “I can’t see myself marrying you, so I think we should just end this relationship now.” Bad choice of words on my part apparently. I figured that honesty is the best policy, so I would just be honest. I have learned since then that you can be honest and forthright while still caring for the other person’s feelings. So, we broke up, with her very sad and mad at me. Oops.
The only other incident I can think of to mention during this time of my life was as close to a one-night-stand I have had in my life. I used to hang out with a bunch of Europeans. They can drink. I reasonably held my own, but not really. So, we all get together, I think 14 of us in all, and rented a limo for a night on the town. We proceeded to get pretty drunk, went to several bars, including a strip club. At probably 2 or 3 in the morning, on our way home, I ended up sitting next to this girl. I’m drunk and horny. Shes a girl. I started rubbing her leg, one thing led to another, we get a bedroom in this shared house. I went down on her, she on me, and we messed around. Then she asked if I had a condom. I said no, but I bet the guy in the next room did, which was true. She said to not worry about it. We went to sleep. I didn’t talk to her much after that, but some of my buddies did make sure to give me a condom and a hard time the next week.
I suppose I should mention some of the experiences I had with another friend of mine.
This friend was married at one point. Before and while he was married, he would, I don’t quite know how to say this, put on exhibitions with his wife. She would model lingerie, strip, and other such stuff for me and a few other close friends. I was also friends with his wife, we all worked together, and I am sure we made out once or twice. I know she put her hands down my pants at least once to “warm up her hands”. That does work by the way. So, after he seperated from her (gee, did anyone see that coming?) he had several other girlfriends, all of which he treated the same way. One in particular was especially “friendly”. She once performed fellatio on me when we were playing strip poker one night. I honestly felt bad about that, but it has since been pointed out to me that she always had a choice about that, she didn’t have to.
Funny note: I am not friends with any of the people from the previous paragraph anymore. Huh.
So I guess the next real interaction I had with a girl was my most serious relationship thus far in life. We were set up on a blind date through a mutual friend from church. I was new to the church and didn’t know many people. Here is the odd thing about the way I treat relationships. I am so excited to just be in a relationship, that I will continue that relationship, even if I am no longer interested. I don’t know how much I was ever interested, but I certainly treated her like I wanted to marry her. It is good to treat women properly, but there is definitely a point where you are leading them on to an extent. There is something to be said for taking it slow. I mean, maybe save flowers and gifts for a little while, at least until you are committed to the relationship. Alas, I digress.
So, this was a “good, healthy, Christian” relationship. We totally fooled around. We were both of the same mind, and created many boundaries, but it was almost as if we created boundaries only to break them. We did get to a point where we were not as focused on the physical aspect of our relationship. After 6 months (almost exactly) she told me that I had a problem with drugs and alcohol. She knew this because I would tell her every time I got high, and I would drink excessively around her. She told me that her being in a relationship with me at this time was keeping me from seeing this problem and dealing with it. She was right. So, we broke up. What she didn’t know was that I had been trying to figure out a way to break up with her, so when she told me this, I said, “OK” like nothing big happened. I realize now that that was a horrible way to react and I hurt her quite a bit. Even now, almost 3 years later, our relationship is still strained. We have gone through some phases of being friends and being awkward. Now we just kinda silently avoid each other. Weird. I am willing to accept full responsibility for our problems in the relationship, but I really hurt her. I think she wanted to get back together once I had figured out my drug and alcohol problem. I had no such intention. That one is tough.
My next relationship was a little over a year later. This was kind of a groundbreaking, even if it was a short-lived relationship. She was a very pretty girl, the type I used to consider out of my league, and I asked her out. I haven’t done that much in my life. I even asked her out in a cool way. We hung out at this church function, that is where I met her. Everyone was leaving and I ended up talking to her in the parking lot. I said, “Say I wanted to talk to you sometime that wasn’t here, how would I go about doing that?” She walked right into it and replied, “I guess you could give me a call.” I said, “Okay, but I’ll need your number.” So we exchanged numbers. I was pretty proud of myself. I called her that week and we went out. We started talking quite a bit and hung out for about 6 weeks. I say ‘hung out’ and not ‘dated’ because we never really defined what we were doing together. That was probably part of the problem. I tried several times to figure out exactly what what we had was. She would have none of it. She just wanted to hang out and be friends. Eventually my insistence on calling what we were doing something more than just hanging out drove her away. After she said we weren’t really dating anymore, she told me she thought she could hang out with me all the time then. It was odd. I couldn’t do it. Two significant things not already mentioned. I quit smoking cigarettes for the entire relationship. I actually had quit a few days before asking her out, but I started again the day she let me go. The other is that we did quite a bit of physical stuff. She was okay with having sex, which I wasn’t; and I was okay with oral, but she wasn’t. So we “dry-humped” and made-out a bunch. She actually brought me to a “happy ending” with our clothes still on. That was definitely a first.
Let’s see, were getting pretty close to present day now. I asked a girl from work out and we did go on a date and talked on the phone occasionally, but it was never meant to be. I have been totally sober for over 2 1/2 years, she smokes pot every day. There were quite a few reasons this one wasn’t going to work out.
I am sorry C.
WOW. Well over 2500 words here. Holy Cow. I know this is kind of a cold, facts-only look at my past (and current) relationships, but it is good to have it all down now. I think now I can continue where I had been going and just make references back to this.
If you read all this, I congratulate you, even if I don’t understand why you did. I’ll try to get back to regular posting soon.
